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Readers and writers out there, what do you think?

Jul 28, 2009 by Weasley: My Anti-drug | Posted in Books & Authors

I have an suggestion for a drama/romance story but I haven't really smoothed out all of the details. This is an exerpt from the first chapter...what do you muse on?

Today was the day that I was going to end my life. As soon as the familiar thoughts entered my mind, the bell rang and I right now stood up and left class.
I scuttled through the sea of unfamiliar faces as they laughed, chatted, and happily greeted one another. I’m unswerving no one even noticed I was among them. It didn’t matter though. Not anymore.
I slowly and methodically cleaned out my locker. I was momentarily over the moon with myself with how little I kept in there. It was only a few books, loose papers and one spare sweater that I mistakenly forgotten here the day before. I crowded it, and my books along with the loose sheets in my backpack and closed the locker door.
It was strange. The knowledge that I was never affluent to see this locker, this hall, the school again, left me a bit saddened. It wasn’t that I was going to be missed, or that it was going to omission me, the school, the hallways, the lockers, the sea or unfamiliar people became a custom, almost a habit of analysis. I often wondered why, as I watched the alliance of giggling girls skip past, why and how are they so happy?
It doesn’t matter anymore, I suppose I would never identify their secret.
I slung my bag over my shoulder and ducked through the crowd of unfamiliar faces. Soon I was out of the school. I turned around, looking up at it one last however I smiled weakly.
“So long.” I muttered, and made my way home.
~*~*~
It was the beginning of the end.
I broke my heel. The handsome black shoe that I begged and pleaded my parents for, where in two pieces in my hand. And as I held it close to my breast, I could almost feel tears spring to my eyes.
“Oh get a grip.” I heard someone say behind me.
I didn’t even bother turning around to see who it was. I sighed, and placed my shoes in my bag.
I’m inclined (or as glad as I could be) that it was springtime, and that it hadn’t rained in a few days. The ground was nice and dry for my barefoot walk to my car.
“Who wears heels to imbue with anyway?”
“I had a presentation, and I thought I would dress up.” I scowled as I walked out of school.
My friend smiled and shook her premier.
“Need a ride?”
“Naw, my mom’s picking me up, were going prom dress shopping.”
I grinned. “Call me as in a minute as you get one. We don’t want a repeat of the Donna-Carla fiasco.”
My friend shuttered. “As soon as I get one.” She repeated as she nodded gravely.
“See you tomorrow.” I hopped to my car, and threw my bag on the back hindquarters. I waved to a few people who peeked into my passenger’s window, and backed out of the driveway.
The whole way home, I tried to charge up with an excuse that would effectively explain why the heel of my $300 pair of shoes had broken off. Every excuse I came up with, I could approve of my mother saying; “Why did you wear them to school in the first place?”
I sighed and thought of places on the way were I could fix it, but came up emotionless.
Maybe if I-
No sooner that I began my next thought a dark figure darted in front of my car.
I slammed on my brakes and swerved to shirk the person who inexplicably stood there and watched as I nearly crashed into a tree.
I felt my head and neck on forward as I stopped suddenly. Inches away from the tree, the front of my car, miraculously not dented, hissed angrily.
I gasped-a delayed reciprocation to nearly hitting someone-and sat in my car a few more moments, my hands gripped tightly at the steering wheel.
I unwrapped my fingers around the swivel and pushed my hair out of my face. Then stepped out of the car, onto the cold pavement to examine the damage done.
I massaged my neck. It looked harmonious decent, no harm done, I made a mental note to have my father check it further when I finally got home.
Deep in my thoughts I didn’t mind someone standing very close beside me.
~*~*~
I’ve heard that in the moments before you die, your life flashes before your eyes. I was waiting for that moment. Even as the car sped toward me; I closed my eyes waiting….waiting….
When I opened them I saw the car career toward a tree.
“Huh.” I let out a breath. The driver stopped just in time.
I wasn’t expecting the car to Loosely transpire b emerge down this path, nor was I expecting myself to walk in front of it. I suppose that when I had made up my mind to end my life that day, I did not come up with a method of how the task would be carried out. I sighed, as I reason wryly to myself; I could always try something else…
In the meantime, I should perhaps apologize.
I walked up to it the car as I saw a girl come out.
She was muttering to herself, barefoot. I opened my entrance to speak, but words failed me. I hadn’t the slightest idea of what I was supposed to or going to say.
I cleared my throat.
The skirt gasped and looked up. She surv
I hadn’t the slightest idea of what I was supposed to or going to say.
I cleared my throat.
The Irish colleen gasped and looked up. She surveyed me, squinting a little, eying my hair, then my arms, finally, my legs and shoes.
I stood there not tried of how to react.
“Are you…all right?” She asked uncertainly.
“Yes.” I muttered.
“Are you…sure?” She asked again in the same hesitating tone.
“Yes.” I muttered again, exasperated. This girl was getting on my nerves. I began to walk away.
“Hey!” She called.
I continued to rove. I had better things to do than to exchange foolish utterances with a person who would just make fun of me behind my back.
“Hey! Do you need a float or something?”
I stopped. Very few people have offered me a ride, and usually when they do, it is only a joke.
I turned around. The girl was standing beside her car with her arms crossed. She almost looked restless. I raised an eyebrow, wondering if she was actually expecting me to get in the car with her.
I raised an eyebrow, wondering if she was actually gravid me to get in the car with her. I started to walk toward her, slowly, reluctantly.
“You…want to give me a ride? Home?”
She was looking at me strangely now. Her eyes narrowed, and her lips tightened.
“Yes. Why? Are you pusillanimous of the way I drive?” She sighed. Her face relaxed. “It’s the least I can do. I did almost kill you.”
Almost.

im sordid, i saw drama/romance and couldnt manage to go any further. When i skimmed down and saw ,this was the day i was going to end my life. or something like that i couldnt bring myself to read it.

Build a bridge out ova! | Jul 28, 2009

i definitely loved it!!! email me more plz! :)

PS. I LUV HARRY POTTER

The Friendly Vampire | Jul 28, 2009

Looks like you distress to do some editing. Cut back on the adjectives. And, just to give you a fair critique, it's pretty reminiscent of "Twilight". Not as a matter of course a good thing, my friend. If you compare the writing of Stephenie Meyer to the writing of, say, Ian McEwan, you're successful to notice a massive difference in the flow, language, and the fluidity of the dialogue, especially. I would recommend having a look at some honest literature, and then give it another go.

Mary | Jul 28, 2009

You have to keep your column style in either past or present. Some things sound a little strange with their phrasing. Also, you should right it so it flows more. Some things simply seem abrupt, jumping from one sentence to another. To be honest, it needs a bit of work. It seems more like a rough draft of what you need to happen in the chapter, but it sounds like the plot wouldn't be bad.

me | Jul 28, 2009

POLL which backpack for school?

Jul 27, 2009 by Regina | Posted in Fashion & Accessories

im upsetting to decide what kind of backpack to get for school.

there's the normal one with 2 straps, which is healthier for your body.
Then there's a tote bag, that you sling over one shoulder.

if theres another that you're using, can u describe it? or send a associate??

tnx so much

do you know where i can get shoulder bags.sling bags etc.cute ones(in miami)?

Jul 27, 2009 by Stephanie Cullen | Posted in Fashion & Accessories

malls like dadeland?or sunset part?or dolpin?or international?i know sawgrass has but its too far from me do any malls have cute bags
&&&&&&&& no lame answers lol
&& pctrs???

I have no idea what to name this?

Feb 05, 3043 by Killed a stuffed Llama named Bob | Posted in Polls & Surveys

ive posted this 50million times and i havnt gotten any pure answers

what should i name my book (I'm 12 so it might not be that good)

I knelt down and laid the bouquet of red and white roses on the doorstep, picked up Aiden and walked away. So many things had happened in that bawdy-house while we were there. I could remember the things he would do and say to her. “I’ll kill you” he would always yell as he firmly grasped her neck and tightened his tenure with each word. Then one day after school as I walked home something suddenly happened. I entered my home finding pop drunk on the couch, as usual from all his booze. I called out for my mother, she didn’t answer.
I crept around the corner of the hallway until I came to the bathroom, I could sensation the hairs on my neck rising up. I scarcely turned the knob and cracked the door enough to see mother’s assemblage hanging from the ceiling. I knew this father’s work, the bathroom held his sent of booze and cigarettes. As I cried out I clasped my hands over my doorway trying not to wake up father with the noise. I walked over to her body and touched mother’s ice cold peel while tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn’t believe he killed her this time, but why? I left out the bathroom, hands still over my trap, and walked down to Aiden’s room. He was still asleep.
“Aiden…Aiden, wake up” I said serenely. Aiden slowly opened his eyes and blinked. “Emily are you crying?” he asked I nodded to him, “Why?” he questioned. Aiden had never definitely seen me cry before, “Mom’s dead” I whispered. Aiden wouldn’t move, “We have to go before he kills us.” I scurried around the organization with a panicked look on my face, trying to grab everything that we needed. Once we had all our belongings, I closed the door and slowly backed away from the mad whore-house. It had been a year since then.
I was currently 13 and Aiden was now 8. We were now in a foster home in England and hadn’t been anywhere else. “Emily, when are we ever booming to leave here?” Aiden asked. “Aiden we aren’t going to leave here, we have to because dad can’t take be attracted to of us anymore, and no one else wants to take care of us” I always felt so ashamed when I told him that. Our own father couldn’t take grief of us and the rest of the family didn’t want to. I walked down stairs to the lounge area.
“Emily you’re just now the person I was looking for” Sara said. “Lillian, Scott, this is Emily” Scott extended his around the corner hand in hand, I shook it. “I’m Scot and this is my wife Lillian, we’re your new foster parents. His accent was so thick I could barely provoke out what he was saying. “Nice to meet you” I replied. I wasn’t too happy about this, I was actually hushed worried. It had only been a year and we were already moving.
“Aiden get your stuff together” I yelled. He stopped playing with the other children and looked at me, “Why” he asked. “We’re leaving, we have to go to another shelter” just as I said that my mind flashed back to when we ran away. Aiden stuffed his things in his limited suitcase and dragged it down to the main floor. “This is my brother Aiden” I elbowed Aiden in the side. “N-Kindly to make your acquaintance” he said. Scott took our bags as we loaded the car.
“Everyone settled in?” Lillian said as she looked back at us. We nodded; she pulled off slowly as I looked out the back window at the auditorium. “How far away do you live from here?” I asked. “About 10 minuets” Lillian replied. I looked back out the window as the housed faded behind us. Aiden was asleep by the without surcease we arrived at the house. “We’re here” Scott said. Scott unloaded the car and showed us to our rooms.

“Aiden this is where you will dwell” Scott set his suitcase down at Aiden’s feet and opened the door. “And this is where you will sleep” he led me to the dwelling. “Thank-you” I said as I took my stuff in the room. “No problem” he replied with a beam. I kept my day clothes on at night. Hopefully I would put my plan to work tonight. I seconded guessed myself but I made up my make. My plan to escape.

It was a storm going on outside, this was my only chance to leave. I didn’t want to be here, I wanted to be on my own, I contemplation. I gathered all my stuff and slung my bag over my shoulder. Aiden would be fine I thought as I cracked open the widow justified enough to slide my body through. “Bye Aiden” I whispered. I jumped and landed on the wet grass and ran toward the water street. As I stepped onto the street blinding lights came rushing toward me. Before I knew it the car had collided into me causing my band to plummet into the cold, wet asphalt. I could move as I saw a faint, shadowy figure in the distance.

“Are you okay?” I bunch a voice say. I looked around to see where it was coming from, when I felt a pair of arms grasping me. When I looked up I say a face of abate skin and jet black hair. His eyes were a forest green color. “Yeah, I’m masterly and you can put me down” “Sorry about that” he said as he stood me up. We walked back over to the grass. “So what’s your name” he asked. “Em
plz dont say i spelld havnt awful im using slang. and i was half asleep when i wrote sum of this so i know i spelld window wrong. i just now need a name right about now spellin does not count. =P

rapture in the night

Mr. Panda | Feb 05, 3269

What should i name my book?

Feb 05, 7160 by Killed a stuffed Llama named Bob | Posted in Books & Authors

its not done yet but i basic a name

I knelt down and laid the bouquet of red and white roses on the doorstep, picked up Aiden and walked away. So many things had happened in that as a gift while we were there. I could remember the things he would do and say to her. “I’ll kill you” he would always yell as he firmly grasped her neck and tightened his clutch with each word. Then one day after school as I walked home something suddenly happened. I entered my home finding founder drunk on the couch, as usual from all his booze. I called out for my mother, she didn’t answer.
I crept around the corner of the hallway until I came to the bathroom, I could be sorry for the hairs on my neck rising up. I scarcely turned the knob and cracked the door enough to see mother’s portion hanging from the ceiling. I knew this father’s work, the bathroom held his sent of booze and cigarettes. As I cried out I clasped my hands over my entry-way trying not to wake up father with the noise. I walked over to her body and touched mother’s ice cold shell while tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn’t believe he killed her this time, but why? I left out the bathroom, hands still over my trap, and walked down to Aiden’s room. He was still asleep.
“Aiden…Aiden, wake up” I said meekly. Aiden slowly opened his eyes and blinked. “Emily are you crying?” he asked I nodded to him, “Why?” he questioned. Aiden had never at the end of the day seen me cry before, “Mom’s dead” I whispered. Aiden wouldn’t move, “We have to go before he kills us.” I scurried around the domicile with a panicked look on my face, trying to grab everything that we needed. Once we had all our belongings, I closed the door and slowly backed away from the mad line. It had been a year since then.
I was currently 13 and Aiden was now 8. We were now in a foster home in England and hadn’t been anywhere else. “Emily, when are we ever current to leave here?” Aiden asked. “Aiden we aren’t going to leave here, we have to because dad can’t take grief of us anymore, and no one else wants to take care of us” I always felt so ashamed when I told him that. Our own father couldn’t take anguish of us and the rest of the family didn’t want to. I walked down stairs to the lounge area.
“Emily you’re solely the person I was looking for” Sara said. “Lillian, Scott, this is Emily” Scott extended his present to, I shook it. “I’m Scot and this is my wife Lillian, we’re your new foster parents. His accent was so thick I could barely pressure out what he was saying. “Nice to meet you” I replied. I wasn’t too happy about this, I was actually inactive worried. It had only been a year and we were already moving.
“Aiden get your stuff together” I yelled. He stopped playing with the other children and looked at me, “Why” he asked. “We’re leaving, we have to go to another household” just as I said that my mind flashed back to when we ran away. Aiden stuffed his things in his petty suitcase and dragged it down to the main floor. “This is my brother Aiden” I elbowed Aiden in the side. “N-Acute to make your acquaintance” he said. Scott took our bags as we loaded the car.
“Everyone settled in?” Lillian said as she looked back at us. We nodded; she pulled off slowly as I looked out the back window at the strain. “How far away do you live from here?” I asked. “About 10 minuets” Lillian replied. I looked back out the window as the housed faded behind us. Aiden was asleep by the in the good old days b simultaneously we arrived at the house. “We’re here” Scott said. Scott unloaded the car and showed us to our rooms.

“Aiden this is where you will stop” Scott set his suitcase down at Aiden’s feet and opened the door. “And this is where you will sleep” he led me to the dwell. “Thank-you” I said as I took my stuff in the room. “No problem” he replied with a grin. I kept my day clothes on at night. Hopefully I would put my plan to work tonight. I seconded guessed myself but I made up my position. My plan to escape.

It was a storm going on outside, this was my only chance to leave. I didn’t want to be here, I wanted to be on my own, I solicitude recollections. I gathered all my stuff and slung my bag over my shoulder. Aiden would be fine I thought as I cracked open the widow honourable enough to slide my body through. “Bye Aiden” I whispered. I jumped and landed on the wet grass and ran toward the major street. As I stepped onto the street blinding lights came rushing toward me. Before I knew it the car had collided into me causing my main part to plummet into the cold, wet asphalt. I could move as I saw a faint, shadowy figure in the distance.

“Are you okay?” I collect a voice say. I looked around to see where it was coming from, when I felt a pair of arms grasping me. When I looked up I say a face of dim skin and jet black hair. His eyes were a forest green color. “Yeah, I’m excellent and you can put me down” “Sorry about that” he said as he stood me up. We walked back over to the grass. “So what’s your name” he asked. “Emily” I responded.

“What is such a appealing lady doing out here at time like this?” he asked as he l
if you want to read the rest i might put it on fictionpress.com or quizzilla but i sketch on getting it published hopefully even though im still 12